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So yeah, I know I didn’t eat a third meal today… I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean, apart of me is really upset that I did because I know that isn’t helping in my recovery, another part of me is saying that I wasn’t hungry so I shouldn’t of anyway, and then finally my ED voice is saying that this is a good thing (which I know is lying).
Sigh… While I am ranting about this, I don’t know how I feel about my recovery so far either. I know that it’s good that I am eating and able to get myself to eat, but I am still having a lot of trouble accepting my body. I still have a real urge to keep it as skinny as possible and I still get really upset at when I get bloated by eating food… Like, I am really willing to try conquering my fear foods and trying adding in some foods to my current diet, but I don’t out of the sheer terror of how I will feel after I’ve eaten them…
I just feel… I don’t know, I don’t know anything. I am hoping that I am able to keep myself together though somewhat because I am going to have lunch with a friend of mine. She is one of my friends from college that knows about my eating disorder, so I can share my confusing with her in hopes that she can help somewhat. She’s allowing me to pick the place we go eat at, which helps… I still need to think about that though, but I will probably leave that worry for tomorrow. Right now I am going to go to bed since it’s been a long day and I feel tired. Goodnight.
No tree, it is said, can grow to Heaven unless its roots reach down to Hell.
Had a busy day today. Went to a support service for finding jobs in the future and also went to renew my driver license. The whole time I was out though, I didn’t eat, so when I got back, I made my second meal of the day.
Tuna fish mixed with lot fat mayo and a salad (Spring mix lettuce, tomatoes, pepper, cucumber, and balsamic vinaigrette) with a baked potato. I made this because I felt comfortable with it and I figured that it had a lot of nutrition in it as well… It’s been a long day for me, so I’m going to focus on eating this and then probably watch movies for the rest of today.
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